[	mood	|	mischievous	]
[	music	|	Aesthetic Perfection	]

Well, hello there!I know it’s been a while, so I thought that I would post a quick update. Work is…work. I work in retail, eough said. School is good, though I am thinking about taking it in a different direction entirely, more on that later after much consideration. Hmmmm, what have I been up to, lately? I’ve been making lots of really nifty things lately, and I havethe possibility of vending an event in May in Greensboro, but there is a catch. It’s the same night as Taradactyl in Raleigh. I’ve missed the last two shows, and I’m really torn as to what I’m going to do…Make money, have fun, expose new people to the stuff I make in a new city that I haven’t really spent much time in….or Taradactyl….TARADACTYL!!! Decisions, decisions… In other Aubrey news, life is brilliant! Yes, I still have the same troubles as always, but lately I’ve been pretty *gasp* happy. This week I’ve spent time with some of my very favorite people in the whole world, missed some that I haven’t seen, done something I would have sworn I would never, ever do (right up until the moment I actually did it, ) made a super yummy pizza, made zombie hair clippies with bows, read some supernatural porn, listened to the same song on repeat on the treadmill and ran until I nearly passed out, danced myself all kinds of sweaty, had really interesting conversations, gotten snuggles, and a hundred other things, And it’s only Wednesday! And today, I bought the smallest jeans that I have owned as an adult because my others won’t actually stay on very well any more J. I have also giggled and squealed a lot, but I can’t help it, I’m ticklish, dammit! I love my friends like mad!

Kisses!

A

P.S. in my head, I can hear a very specific voice saying “you never name names, you are always so vague when you talk about your personal life, like you are hiding .” I am neither hiding nor ashamed of any of my interpersonal relationships, they are just very , well, personal, and between me and those involved. I am not trying to hide anything, darn it. ;)

Kisses again!

O God of our many understandings, we pray that you will…

Bless us with tears – for a world in which over a billion people exist on less than a dollar a day, where young women from many lands are beaten and raped for wanting an education, and thousands die daily from malnutrition, malaria, and AIDS.

Bless us with anger – at discrimination, at home and abroad, against refugees and immigrants, women, people of color, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.

Bless us with discomfort – at the easy, simplistic “answers” we’ve preferred to hear from our politicians, instead of the truth, about ourselves and the world, which we need to face if we are going to rise to the challenges of the future.

Bless us with patience – and the knowledge that none of what ails us will be “fixed” anytime soon, and the understanding that our new president is a human being, not a messiah.

Bless us with humility – open to understanding that our own needs must always be balanced with those of the world.

Bless us with freedom from mere tolerance – replacing it with a genuine respect and warm embrace of our differences, and an understanding that in our diversity, we are stronger.

Bless us with compassion and generosity – remembering that every religion’s God judges us by the way we care for the most vulnerable in the human community, whether across town or across the world.

And God, we give you thanks for your child Barack, as he assumes the office of President of the United States.

Give him wisdom beyond his years, and inspire him with Lincoln’s reconciling leadership style, President Kennedy’s ability to enlist our best efforts, and Dr. King’s dream of a nation for ALL the people.

Give him a quiet heart, for our Ship of State needs a steady, calm captain in these times.

Give him stirring words, for we will need to be inspired and motivated to make the personal and common sacrifices necessary to facing the challenges ahead.

Make him color-blind, reminding him of his own words that under his leadership, there will be neither red nor blue states, but the United States.

Help him remember his own oppression as a minority, drawing on that experience of discrimination, that he might seek to change the lives of those who are still its victims.

Give him the strength to find family time and privacy, and help him remember that even though he is president, a father only gets one shot at his daughters’ childhoods.

And please, God, keep him safe. We know we ask too much of our presidents, and we’re asking FAR too much of this one. We know the risk he and his wife are taking for all of us, and we implore you, O good and great God, to keep him safe. Hold him in the palm of your hand – that he might do the work we have called him to do, that he might find joy in this impossible calling, and that in the end, he might lead us as a nation to a place of integrity, prosperity and peace.

AMEN.

[	mood	|	contemplative	]
[	music	|	And One , Body Company	]

Someone I have a long and difficult relationship with has been doing a lot of pondering lately, about life, the universe and everything. In light of this, I thought I would pose a few questions to you, those I care about most. And yes, I really do want answers.

What would you do differently if you knew this was your last year on earth? Assuming all kinds of financial limits, like, well, being pretty much broke. Would you do something different for your last Christmas, or birthday? Or best friend’s birthday? Would you keep up with your responsibilities? Or would you say fuck it all and run wild? Would you tell those around you? Mainly, would it limit you, or set you free?

[

mood

|

stressed

]

I am not particularly coherent right now, so a random list is in order.

I am intensely stressed.

I am a horrible roommate. I forgot to grab the boxes on my way out.

I am entirely sure that the actions of others shouldn't affect my emotional well being. And I didn't ask for it.

I am tired of crying.

The girl who scared the piss out of me is actually very nice. Still scary, but nice.

I am trying to have this break down in a quiet and contained manner. Please excuse me if I slip.

Funny how sometimes you become the things you loathe.

My life is a wreck. My room is a wreck. Perhaps if I get my room in order, the rest will follow. I don't even know where to start. At all.

I love my doctor. He really cares.

Perhaps I can't handle school and work full time.

I can't listen to most music right now. It hurts.

I am beginning to scare my self.

There are entirely too many McCain/Palin stickers evident at the fair.

I like fried food.

I am losing weight.

Excuse me ma'am, do you have a prescription for that fudge?

I have become an amalgam of NIN songs.

I am tired of nightmares.

I had a panic attack that lasted over an hour. It didn't kill me.

I may drop out of the world for a while. No MySpace. No LJ. No AIM. No club. No Facebook. I may not.

I am dreading halloween.

I keep fixating on the two most insulting things that have ever been said to me. One was very recent, one was 4 months ago or so.

Misplaced trust may be killing me.  Or not.

And finally, a song for the day.

Concrete Blonde, "When I Was a Fool"

I re-read silly lines
That made sense at the time
Pages all stained with tears and red wine
And I walk through the airport and see magazines
Every face that I see
So much younger than me
And I smile to myself how I don't even miss
My glorious past or the lips that I've kissed
And I think to myself that how easy this is
Easy to breathe, easy to live
And I wonder why I tear myself in two
Over how to be, what to say and what to do
And I know you liked me better then
And I know you liked me better when I was a fool
…I was a fool
…mm
…I was a fool
…mm
So I live in these days
But I still have my old ways
'cause the future, somehow, has yet to arrive
And I see all around me the women on time
Kids and divorces and crisis in midlife
and do I surrender and give up my dream
for a brick in the wall and a washing machine
grow up and get real
for a kid in their teens
who won't care what I've done
where I've been, what I've seen
And I wonder why I tear myself in two
over who to be, how to be and what to do
and I know you liked me better then
and I know you liked me better when I was a fool
…I…was a fool
…I was a fool
…I was a fool
I'm free to a fault
I'm 45
I'm playing guitar
I'm living my life
Fly down the highway
Sun on my face
I belong to nobody
I belong to no place
 

[	mood	|	lethargic	]
[	music	|	Leonard Cohen, Everybody Knows	]

       The implication that I don’t know what I want is really bothering me. If I don’t know what I want, I generally say “I don’t know what I want.” I am not some self delusional little ninny. I spend most of my time alone again. I have plenty of time to examine my motives.  I need his support. I want his friendship. Get it? I want/need these things, and I’m okay with it.

    Fuck it. For the first time in my life, I have lost my words. And I may have lost him, on a friendship basis now, only time will tell. That would crush me, but it would be my own idiot fault.

   I got used to not being alone. I got used to having someone I wanted to share things with. This is what I am grieving. Maybe I need more friends. Maybe I need less time alone. Perhaps I need medication. Fuck it. Never mind.

I can't eat. I can't sleep.I can't do anything right now.

I have to say, I love my friends. These are a few of the things that have been said/texted to me in the past week or so….

Oooooooh, come see my crinolines, and my strap on!!!

Bwahahahahahahahahah! Way to clean out the downgrade grease trap! WTF?

(this one was near me, not to me) I know that look. That look says, get out of my titties, colored man…

You cock blocked that cunt like a pro! High five! (not  the situation you probably assume, let it go…just being a bitch in a bar. she started it)

ROFLROFLROFLROFL ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL

ROFLROFLROFLROFL ROFLROFLROFLROFL ROFLROFLROFLROFL

ROFLROFLROFLROFL ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL

ROFLROFLROFLROFL ROFLROFLROFLROFL ROFLROFLROFLROFL

no really, that’s funny.

anyway…..

I have had a very trying week, with work, school, nightmares and lack of sleep and such, but all in all, I’m okay. I really just need to be able to sleep better. It’s a work in progress.

I’ve met quite a few new people in the past few weeks, some with quite a bit of potential, I think. I’ve culled a few from my life, as well, but it’s all for the good. When I love, I love whole heartedly. My love and trust don’t come easily, but break one and you lose them both. I’m not afraid to burn bridges, you just have to keep moving forward. It’s a good thing, right?

Time for me to do some homework.

Thank you to those who love and support me, I appreciate it a lot. Especially my boo, and the friend whose closeness brings me solace, I love you both, and appreciate you both more than I can express. Even if you don’t like each other :P

Kisses to all!

Song for the day:

Temptation by Sister Machine Gun